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As many of you know, in one of my “other lives,” I review sex toys. I have a separate blog for this (it’s not secret or anything — I’ll gladly give you the link if you would like it), but I do keep it separate because in many ways this is a blog about writing. Sure, I write about sex a lot, and sex toy reviews is a type of writing, but there’s something in my brain that likes to delineate and separate things (right. obviously. this coming from a girl who has a writing blog, a travel blog, a learning blog, a sex toy blog and … well, you get the idea).

But sometimes it’s okay for me to let things overlap a little. And in my mind, the following review is one of those times. It’s not overly personal, I don’t talk about my specific anatomy (or anyone else’s) in any way that is likely to squick casual readers with too much information, and also: I kind of love this toy (well, except for its small, tiny battery issue) and I’d love to hear from you guys if you’ve had experience with one of these and if so, what it was like.

So, without further ado: My review of the Wireless Teddy Strap-On Vibrator:

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Every woman I know (and, okay, granted, most of the women I know are sex-positive and sexually open, so this probably isn’t a very good polling group) owns at least two phallic-style vibes. Rabbits are popular. G-spot vibes are too. I can understand why those are phallic shaped — they go inside, after all. But the majority of clit vibes are also fairly long, which never quite made sense to me.

So when I had the opportunity to ask for any toy from The Adult Toy Shoppe, I chose the Wireless Teddy Strap-On Vibrator. Partly because it was different — a strap-on vibe, which I think women are sometimes more hesitant to buy, just because it IS different than the phallic stuff we’re used to. Also, personally, a strap-on vibe is something I’ve wanted to try for a long time. I’ve always been a fan of hands-off toys, as well as those that allow you to have intercourse while you’re using them. This toy promised both.

Let me say this right off: I didn’t expect to like this toy. As soon as I pulled it out of the package, I thought, “Oh hell. This is going to be one of those reviews where I asked for something, and I’m going to have to say really really bad things about it. Again.”

Why did I think this? It was partly the packaging — typical box, overly sexed woman on the cover — and it was partly the way the toy looked in my hand — kind of cheesy and poorly made, without any specific point that made sense for clit placement (there’s a nose on the bear, but it’s very short). I was pretty sure that the vibrations weren’t going to do much, and that the straps weren’t going to hold the toy in the right place. At all.

On the other hand, there were a couple of things I liked right off the bat. First, this toy looks like an over-sized red gummy bear. Which makes it pretty darn adorable in my book. And also made me want to lick it. But I refrained. Second, the toy came with eight — count them, eight! — watch batteries. Which made me think, “Oh, fantastic! These guys are really gracious and generous and they’ve provided me with many, many batteries.”

As it turns out, almost all of my initial assumptions were dead wrong.

First Off, The Stats:

The toy is made from a jelly material, although the box doesn’t say what kind, which means that it’s probably best cleaned with soap and water. I’m not sure what would happen if you boiled it, but I kind of think it might melt. Also, be sure to use a lube that’s okay with rubber. Again, so you don’t end up with a mess.

Overall, the toy is about two and a half inches high and about an inch and a quarter wide and deep.
The straps are soft and elastic, wide enough that they don’t cut into your skin and fully adjustable. It’s easy to open and close the snaps as well.

Now, On To The Experience

As soon as I opened the toy’s base, I realized why they sent eight watch batteries. Because it uses four of them just to operate the thing. Still, bonus points for being generous since most toy manufacturers send the bare minimum or none at all.  

I was pleasantly surprised by a number of things. This actually (impossibly) looks damn sexy when it’s tied on. The straps stretch nicely to fit any size stomach and thighs, and are completely adjustable, so that you can tuck the vibe into the right spot and the straps will hold it there, perfectly. You can walk around with it, roll around with it, do dishes with it, wear clothes over it, whatever. The delightful part of it is that every time you shift, it shifts, sending a new series of sensations through your body.

Second, the vibrations are STRONG. Like yummy strong. This is a great toy for teasing your partner, getting aroused yourself, keeping yourself aroused, any and all of the above.

Will it bring you to orgasm all by itself? It might, especially if you’re clit-focused and/or if you often get off by rubbing against something like a pillow. This toy can enhance that ten-fold (at least). In truth, it got me close. Very close. Oh, so close. And then…

…the batteries died. Okay, they didn’t die, but they starting gasping and wheezing for air to the point where the vibe was not longer really vibing. Let me say that this was in less than ten minutes. (Yes, I timed it. Yes, I do that when I’m testing toys. No I don’t do that in my day-to-day experience).

When I removed the batteries to replace them, they were seriously hot enough to burn my skin. Which is something that I admit makes me nervous when it comes to using this in water. Now, this might just be the batteries I was sent — they could be old, or there could be a bad one in the batch, since the second set actually lasted a bit longer than the first. But they did fizzle out sooner than later, and I have to admit that I was disappointed when I felt them start to go.

I did venture out into the water with the toy — wearing it while in the shower — and it worked great. The straps kept it on so it didn’t shift much, the toy continued to work, and I didn’t get shocked or zapped.

What Would Make This Rock?

  • A better battery life. Or, less batteries required. Or at the very least, the kind of batteries that can be recharged. Watch batteries are a thing of the past, truly, and are hard to find and expensive to replace (I also did a little research, and it turns out you can buy rechargeable watch batteries online. I don’t know how well they work or how long they last).
  • More than one speed.
  • A base that doesn’t get in the way of intercourse to provide more play options.
  • Bonus feature: A remote-control vibe so that your partner could spend the day teasing you with various bursts of vibrations and speed.

Truly, my only major complaint is the number of batteries it takes and how fast it roars through them. If someone could fix the battery issue, and provide me with a toy that lasted longer, I would give this baby 5Ms. As it stands, I could only give it three. The battery – time – pleasure equation is just too important.

I am now in lust with strap-on vibrators, however. Hands free pleasure. Hell-yeah vibrations. The option to wear it while doing all kinds of other things. Yep, I’m hooked, and am fully planning to invest in one that has a different battery style. This gorgeous remote-control butterfly has caught my eye (and given me fantasies about that remote being in someone else’s hands in a public place), as has this pretty vibrating butterfly.

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